Man Dead After Reportedly “Drowning In P*ssy”

19 year-old Marco Martinez was pronounced dead at 9:34 A.M. Sunday morning after being rushed to the nearest ER room. Marco was reportedly having sexual intercourse with his girlfriend, 19 year-old Jasmine Cervantes, when the small bedroom began flooding slowly; Marco Martinez never learned to swim.

“Everybody knows you have to know how to swim when diving in the p*ssy” says Henry Davis, a Sexologist at UCLA, “Sadly, Marco did not know how to swim, this was a very tragic death. Everyone should be able to enjoy good sex without the fear of drowning, which is why my son is taking swimming classes, so that he’s ready when he becomes sexually active” finished Davis.

Chicago authorities arrived at the scene after the neighbors heard screams coming from Marco’s house. Authorities, however, arrived too late. According to authorities, although, they had sex in a bedroom on the second floor, Marco was found floating facedown in the living room on the first floor. “It must’ve been like jumanji when their house flooded”, said Chicago Police officer Paul Francis.